thumbs down
PHOTO: hobvias sudoneighm

Take your survey? Why on earth would I want to do that? Help you improve your website? Am I your employee? Are you my boss? Last time I checked, I wasn’t. So, do your job. It’s not up to me to help you make your website better. What do I think of your new redesign?

What do you think of my new classic straight toecap Oxford-made tan crocodile shoes? They're very versatile; have an elegant and semi-sports look to them. What do you think of that? They feature a Rendenbach sole in a refined Goodyear welt construction and full calf lining. I was informed that these shoes are very carefully manufactured by expert craftsmen who follow the exact same techniques that Charles Goodyear created in 1869. Hah? OK. OK. I get it. Well, then, can’t you get it? I have as much interest in your redesign as you have in my new crocodile shoes.

Can’t you ever understand that I, your customer, do not wake up in the morning wondering about what you’ve done or what you’re about to do? When I hear that you’re “excited” or “delighted” to announce the launch of something, I just yawn. Your personal mood is of zero consequence to me.

And when you talk about your anniversary. Listen, last week it was our wedding anniversary. Did you call? Did you send a gift? Why should I care that it’s your anniversary? You are such a naval-gazing, narcissistic organization. And that won’t do. Because if there’s going to be a narcissist around here, it’s me, the customer. Remember, I’m the king.

What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it? If you ask me what my top concerns are, then I might respond to you. If you ask me about how you could make things easier and faster for me, then I might respond. If you talk to my needs, rather than your needs, then I might respond. But, please face reality, I don’t care much about you or your organization. You’re just a tiny, inconsequential part of my day. I’ve got much bigger things to think about, like paying bills, dealing with some personal issues. Do you want to hear about my personal issues?

Only joking! Wow, you sure looked worried there. You’re so puffed up in your own little world. Digital has made you so detached. You don’t see me on a day-to-day basis. You don’t hear me. You don’t listen to me. You don’t watch me. You don’t know me. You really don’t. All this digital stuff has made you so detached.

But I exist. I’m real. I’m real mad. I’m real cynical. I’m real skeptical. I’m real disloyal. I’m obsessed with my own world, my own network. You’re going to have to work really hard to understand me. It’s going to be a constant, ongoing struggle. The more digital you become, the more disloyal I will become, because digital is a fickle, shallow mistress, unstable, shifting, constantly dissolvable.

And no, I don’t want to take your survey.