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PHOTO: Andrew Roberts

Growing up, we celebrated both Christmas and Hanukkah in my family. Eventually, I started calling it “Late-December Gift-giving Season” and made some poor, unfortunate soul in the Nordstrom online order department write “Happy Late-December Gift-giving Season” on gift tags. With all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season plus the end-of-year B2B software sales insanity, I’ll admit I end up being a cranky CMO. This year, instead of venting my temper on some unsuspecting, cold-calling business development rep, I’ve decided to put together my holiday wish list — well, my holiday wish list when I’m a cranky CMO, anyhow.

Dear Santa Hanukkah Harry Marketing Maria: This year, I want …

1. The End of Creepy Personalization

Dearest Marketing Maria, I am so, so tired of creepy personalization on the internet. I was recently doing research into road rage because I got curious after reading a news article, and now the internets seem to think that I am a really crappy driver with anger issues even though I don’t own a car. My home IP address used to belong to a bank, so well-meaning B2B marketers keep offering me obscure financial vertical content. I bought one piece of workout gear from an Instagram ad, and now I cannot get away from yoga pants anywhere. 

Make it stop.

2. A Happy Martech Stack

Dear Maria, my marketing ops folks spent a truly inordinate amount of time making everything play together after our Salesforce Lightning migration. Unfortunately, the only thing on my team crankier than I am right now is my martech stack. It plays together … sort of. Every system wants to be my system of record, so everyone wants to store different data and integrate … sort of. My team has to make tough choices, and it seems like we can never measure things alongside each other with the same rubric. Plus, my sales team is still learning how to put in Activities, so who knows what else is going on. Can you cut through the “integrations” nonsense and make everything play together nicely, please?

Related Article: Martech Sandwiches: A Tasty Approach to Integration Mapping

3. Good Orchestration

Maria, while we’re chatting about the Martech stack, can you please give my team a good orchestration platform? Or checklist? Or maybe even good orchestration vibes? Right now, we’re managing things via spreadsheets, Trello, SharePoint, Salesforce, marketing automation, wishes, hopes, dreams and carrier pigeons. The checklists get very long, and I’m tired of my team having to hand-automate processes. Could you please deliver us a good orchestration platform or methodology that takes into account B2B marketing, ABM and demand gen? Pretty please? Bonus points if we can synchronize sales enablement with it — that would be a real holiday miracle.

4. Basic Revenue Understanding

Okay, Maria, let’s talk numbers. I can spend a certain amount of money. It’s called a budget. It’s never as much as I want it to be, but we’ll get to that in a different wish. What I want here is for everyone in my organization to collectively strategize so that we can put the most value behind our sometimes-limited scopes. Actually, while I’m wishing for magic here, can you help everyone understand the concepts of marketing originated revenue, marketing influenced revenue, and — the one that I really use to measure things — multi-touch attribution? You’re the best, Maria.

Related Article: How to Deliver Credible Marketing Pipeline Forecasts

5. Make 'Influencers' Understand How They Really Look

I hope I’m not offending you, Maria, but the “influencer” CMOs on LinkedIn really need to understand how much they’re making everyone’s eyes roll. If I see one more post with a single line per sentence talking about how the poster has learned some sort of valuable lesson and now deigns to share his (because it’s somehow always a him) knowledge with the world, I just might roll my eyes hard enough to lose a contact lens. #influencingme #againstyou #shutupalready #thanksmaria

6. Infinite Budget

I did warn you this was coming, oh glorious and wonderful Marketing Maria. I want to sponsor every event, throw every happy hour, have the best tech stack, run all the relevant ads, make all the best sales enablement content, use all the best data, and have a team where everyone can get everything done in a mere 40 hours per week. Unfortunately, I’m lucky some weeks if everyone leaves before 7 pm because we have two concurrent events and a launch happening at the same time that requires us to orchestrate another ABM campaign to five key accounts. You know what would fix this? Infinite budget. What, that’s not even possible for you? Sigh.

But seriously, I’m not that cranky of a CMO, and, thankfully, my team doesn’t actually have all of these problems. That said, many of my fellow CMOs have shared similar wish lists, so, Marketing Maria, if you’re out there, you now know what we’d like to see under the tree Hanukkah bush computer monitor on Christmas Hanukkah any morning!